“He says ‘I don’t get it, why are you still a virgin at 24?’ He says ‘I don’t believe you, I’ve seen you walk, virgins don’t walk like that’ He says, ‘That ain’t natural, people are supposed to fuck.’ He asks ‘Why though? No offence though.’ I ask ‘When was your first time?’ He says ‘I was 12’ He says ‘I know what you’re thinking, that’s too young.’ I look at his knuckles, he has two good hands. He says ‘She was older than me.’ I ask ‘How old?’ And he says ‘It’s better that the girl is older, that’s how I learnt all things I know’ He licks his lips. I ask again ‘How old?’ He says ‘I could use one finger to make you sob’ I think of my brother in prison and I can’t remember his face. I ask again ‘How old?’ He says ‘Boys become men in the laps of women, you know?’ I think of my mothers face lined with her bad choices in men. He says ‘If you were mine you wouldn’t get away with this shit. I’d eat you for hours. I’d gut you like fruit.’ I think of my cousins circumcision, how she feels like a mermaid, not human from the waist down. He says ‘I’d look after you, you know?’ I laugh, I ask for the last time ‘How old?’ He says ‘34.’ He says ‘She was beautiful though and I know what you’re thinking but it’s not like that. I’m a man, I’m a man, I’m a man. No one could ever hurt me’.”
What does it feel like to be you? Yeah. It feels good to be you, doesn’t it? It feels good, because there’s one thing that you are — you’re the only one that’s you, right?. So you’re the only one that’s you, and we get confused sometimes — or I do, I think everyone does — you try to compete. You think, Dammit, someone else is trying to be me. Someone else is trying to be me. But I don’t have to armor myself against those people; I don’t have to armor myself against that idea if I can really just relax and feel content in this way and this regard.
If I can just feel, just think now: How much do you weigh? This is a thing I like to do with myself when I get lost and I get feeling funny. How much do you weigh? Think about how much each person here weighs and try to feel that weight in your seat right now, in your bottom right now. Parts in your feet and parts in your bum. Just try to feel your own weight, in your own seat, in your own feet. Okay? So if you can feel that weight in your body, if you can come back into the most personal identification, a very personal identification, which is: I am. This is me now. Here I am, right now. This is me now. Then you don’t feel like you have to leave, and be over there, or look over there. You don’t feel like you have to rush off and be somewhere. There’s just a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate up and down, from your top to your bottom. Up and down from your top to your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile, that makes you want to feel good, that makes you want to feel like you could embrace yourself.
So what’s it like to be me? You can ask yourself, What’s it like to be me? You know, the only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself: That’s where home is.
“In the 1890s, when Freud was in the dawn of his career, he was struck by how many of his female patients were revealing childhood [sexual] victimization to him. Freud concluded that child sexual abuse was one of the major causes of emotional disturbances in adult women and wrote a brilliant and humane paper called “The Aetiology of Hysteria.” However, rather than receiving acclaim from his colleagues for his ground-breaking insights, Freud met with scorn. He was ridiculed for believing that men of excellent reputation (most of his patients came from upstanding homes) could be perpetrators of incest.
Within a few years, Freud buckled under this heavy pressure and recanted his conclusions. In their place he proposed the “Oedipus complex,” which became the foundation of modern psychology… Freud used this construct to conclude that the episodes of abuse his clients had revealed to him had never taken place; they were simply fantasies of events the women had wished for… This construct started a hundred-year history in the mental health field of blaming victims for the abuse perpetrated on them and outright discrediting of women’s and children’s reports of mistreatment by men.”—― Lundy Bancroft (via catvonnegut)